TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That is the eyesight powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical development-slash-luxurious property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Sure, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. Rather than the standard Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are speaking Damascus, the town historically known for historic society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It may be tremendous. Tremendous!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom connect with, streamed from the putting environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We have had stunning ceasefires in Syria. A few of the most effective. But now, we're setting up them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and solely away from place. Built by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A 3-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • And also a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 years for potable h2o. But Certainly, positive, let's have A different spot where American Gentlemen can don robes and phone it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign coverage analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace try given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. While previous negotiations failed under the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is simpler: supply Absolutely everyone a collection around the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In line with files revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is soft electricity," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a agreement plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock requirements fewer diplomats and much more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, Trump Tower Damascus typically into gold-plated intercoms set up in Every single device. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest noted, "It is not that Trump shouldn't open a tower inside of a war zone. It can be that he need to prevent employing it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned in regards to the project, replied, "You are aware of, gentleman, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Very good persons. Fantastic tan. Anyway, do I even now have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "foreseeable future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility on the Levant."



Satellite Photos Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the resort's landscaping types a giant Trump head obvious from Place, a characteristic getting marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents plus the chin is… properly, classified.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits right after discovering the creating's gold plating mirrored much daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It can be not only unpleasant. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," explained Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Confusing Characteristics


Probably the strangest component with the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium where by friends could contemplate vague disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, finish with climate control set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Regional Syrians are Not sure what to generate of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-year-aged Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Method: "If You Bomb It, They are going to Come"


The advert marketing campaign, not long ago leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is Forever."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso outlets:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll performed inside a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% mentioned "the place's the closest elevator for the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Lastly, a Crisis That Pays"


The job is already attracting consideration from Global investors, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll buy three penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business level will even involve:




  • A Greenback Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place According to the Iraq War





Comment Part Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to wait to check out a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a resort exactly where my PTSD may have flip-down assistance."


Yet another submit from @KuwaitiKardashian only questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officials stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Studies counsel:




  • China might open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to make a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Closing Ideas from your Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that involved three camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It needed gold. It needed a waterslide shaped like the Structure. I gave everything 3. You are welcome."

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